I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
