how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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