Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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