im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We have so much sex to catch up on
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
