Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
