its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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