Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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