Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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