dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
