apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
