he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I can't turn off my feet"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Congratulations! We have a period
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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