So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
