Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
