and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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