There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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