Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.