when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
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You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
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My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.