last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
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josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
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if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager