Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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