i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
