My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
