Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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