We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Randomize
