She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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