I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
