I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
