my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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