I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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