i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
