best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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