the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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