He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's blow job season.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
