He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
