Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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