i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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