If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
