why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
