my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
