JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
