I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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