Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
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I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
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Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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