You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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