all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
