she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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