guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
