just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sorry about my life...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
