I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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