I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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