I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
