and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
