I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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