Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
stop calling my apartment porn island.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
