We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
