I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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