No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
