Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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