if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
