just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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