so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
