he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
