It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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