Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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