cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
