what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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