Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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