i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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