I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
