remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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