I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Green mimosas i think yes
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
