I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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