i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
