when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
