I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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