all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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